2.  Always have a gimmick.
    A man named Mark used to go to bars with a framed picture of the cast of Diff'rent Strokes and talk to it.  He's set it on the bar.  "I'll have a beer, and by buddy Arnold would like a gin and tonic.  Whoops-Arnold isn't old enough to drink."  Then he'd give the drink to a girl.  Never go to far with the gimmick.  Snakes are bad, reading at the bar is bad.  If you are one of those guys, you need to cut it out.

 3.  Always make eye contact.
    If she's staring at you, either you are a freak or she digs you (or she digs freaks).  If she looks at you, and you're not a freak, look back.  Her holding your gaze is a green light; looking away is a yellow.  If you're feeling lucky, run the yellow; if your game isn't at playoff intensity, hold for confirmation.  If she looks back, the light is green-move without hesitation.  She will refuse to send any more vibes for fear of looking silly.  Waiting too long tells her you're not a man of action.
    Break the eye contact at this point, leaving her in suspense.  "Is he coming over?" she giggles to her girlfriend.  Turn confidently to you nearest friend and whisper an amusing parting line, then gracefully make your approach.  Continue to make eye contact throughout the night.  If you're lost in her limpid pools, you don't have to worry about getting caught eyeing other women or peeking down her blouse.

 4.  Never leave her side.
    The most effective sales people are those who cling to you like lampreys.  The fact is, it's hard to say no to someone.  Once you've got locked on, do not let go.  If the two of you decide on a change of scene, go in the same car.  At no point give her time to realize what a square you really are and make a hasty U-turn.
    Don't be as vigilant as one of my friends, who went so far as to wear a Depends undergarment to a popular night spot.  He's concluded that this would allow him to maintain position with the woman by not taking bathroom breaks.  He also concluded the evening drenched in his own urine.

 5.  Never go on parade.
    Don't be seen wandering around on your own with no clear purpose.  Being spotted in this attitude downgrades you instantly from eligible bachelor to ineligible lurking weirdo.
    Positioning is a key.  A booth against a wall or near the center of the room is the Park Avenue of a bar, prime real estate.  It functions as both a lookout and a stage and should be sought out immediately upon entry.  After establishing your base, make a few brief forays out into the crowd.  Head for the bar or greet someone you know, feeling out the scene on the way.  Bathroom lines and the juke box are great place for initial contact.  But when you suddenly feel yourself floating aimlessly, return to base.  Use your booth as a duck blind and wait for the perfect shot.

 6.  Never approach a girls night out.
    It may look like tasty treats, but it is in fact a trap.  A girls' night out may consist of five to 10 women; they are drinking hard and complaining about men.  They'll make indecipherable inside jokes at your expense, jokes that make no sense but result in everyone laughing at you.  They'll saddle you with an unfunny nickname based on your appearance or conduct, such as Shoe Fetish or Hair Boy.  Lou, the bartender at one of my favorite clubs, tells the tale of a man literally being chased into the street by a bachelorette party.  "I thought he was going to cry."

 7.  Always use the five face repertoire.
    Always look intrigued, surprised, sympathetic, amused, or suspicious.  Always.  Never have a dull day dreaming look on your face.  She will instantly know you are not listening to her or that you think she's boring, and you my friend will be sleeping alone that night.

 8.  Never us a pick up line.
    Because come-on lines ("Are you Greek?  Because you look like a goddess." "Got any Italian in you?  Want some?") are dubious even in jest.
    A genuine observation is better ("You have your pants off; what is you name?"), but the safest opening ploy is just to smile, introduce yourself, and then ask a question that can not be answered with a yes or no.  ("So tell me, why are you pants off?").

 9.  Never let rejection stop you.
    The adage "The worst she can say is no" is a lie.  the worst she can say is (holding out her hand) "Do you want you testicle back?"  If she freezes you out, chant "It's not me.  It's her" five times under your breath, and try again with someone new.

10.  Always show your randy side.
    A lot of guys labor under the delusion that they should hide their true intentions until the very end of the night, pretend to be perfect gentlemen who're only interested in polite conversation up to the last minute, then suddenly transform into sexual dynamos.  Wrong.  You're not trying to convince her to marry you; you're trying to convince her to sleep with you...tonight.
    Women know that guys who are interested in sex are likely to be interesting in bed.  Either imply or make it abundantly clear that you are a sensualist.  After you've expressed your appreciation for Behind the green door, then you can talk about
ll Postino-not before.

11.  Never talk scary.
    "Now this rash is really red."  If she frowned when you described how vending machines in Japan sell schoolgirls' panties, you don't want to move on to stories about you humping that jar of mayonnaise during puberty.

12.  Always tell childhood stories.
    Nothing is more disarming than a nice tale from the good old days.  Tell her about your boyhood indiscretions: "Girls were always trying to bring me into the bathroom with them while they peed.  I never really understood what was going on."  It neatly expresses what a naughty little boy you were without tarnishing your sheen of innocence.  You must make her see the outlines of that sweet little boy in your corrupt old man's face.
    Exercise caution in story selection, however, because tales about how your dad wouldn't pull the car over and you pooped in your pants are going to get you nowhere.

13.  Always have complete mastery of at least two books.
    "That's precisely the tragedy of Gatsby's obsession with Daisy."  You too can be a man of letters or at least talk like one.  Read two books carefully, maybe even twice, until you can answer all the study questions in the Cliff Notes.  The second book is in case she turns out to be an English major.  If she mentions a string of great literary works you haven't read, refer to your reserve book, even if it has nothing to do with the books she referred to.  Stendhal's The Red and the Black is a perfect choice:  It's available in translation, hasn't been read by anyone since 1920, and is all about a young malcontent seducing French chicks.

14.  Always break the touch barrier.
    The most difficult hurdle to overcome is the initial fear of contact.  This is why Europeans get laid more, because when they're introduced to women, they touch and kiss hello.  You, however, are doomed to cooler, Anglo-Saxon climes.  So try to find an excuse to touch her, or give her a reason to touch you.  Be touchable: A silk shirt or cashmere sweater can help a lot.

15.  Always establish that you know other women.
    Having a woman with you in a friendly capacity means that you're not totally inept.  If you can not produce one in flesh, make sure to refer to a wide group of female friends and acquaintances.  "My friend Amanda says..."

16.  Always have more of whatever substance you're consuming back at your place.
    Keep the night rolling smoothly by offering a change of venue for the same activity.  "Hey, let's go back to my house and smoke on the roof."  By offering her an excuse for a visit, you can help her trick herself into thinking she's only coming over to hang out for a while then going home.  "It's just a few more beers-it's not like I'm going to sleep with him or anything." Heh, heh.

17.  Always spend all your money.
    Women want to be swept off their feet.  Since you don't care how they get off their feet, sweeping will do.

18.  Always take advantage of another man's failure.
    You can often turn someone else's failed attempt to your advantage.  When you see some dunderhead go down in flames, pounce.  With any luck her blood lust will have been sated.  Imitating the pathetic attempts at conversation you overheard or his white man's shuffle, use your predecessor's exit to stage your entry. "So I guess stock tips are not the way to a woman's heart, huh?"  She has already rejected the unworthy and proven to the world that she's discriminating.  Now she can sleep with you without feeling like a desperate ho-bag.

19.  Always reveal a secret.
    Start the story, laugh gently, stop for a second, and say, "I can't believe I'm telling you this."  Then fill in the blank.  Make it all up if you want to: The important thing is that she is the only one you trusted with this tale.  It encourages her, in turn, to see you as the only one she would trust to get in her pants.  Tailor your confession to the information she has already given you: "I wouldn't want the boys to know, but I'm a total cat guy.  They are so soft and fuzzy.  I just love them."

20.  Always speak in hushed tones.
    If you can't come up with a secret, you can still use the voice of secrecy.  Even when you're simply stating the obvious, make sure to lower your voice to a gravely whisper.  "That red stool is farther away than that blue one."
    Your voice may not send shivers down her spine, but that's not the point.  Women are always aware of their standing in the eyes of the crowd.  Put on a show of great mirth for the assembled masses, then lean down and whisper something quietly, just to her.  The other will think you're seriously connecting and that she's the star of your show, which is what wants them to think.

21.  Never look desperate.

22.  Always exercise one hour before you go out.
    Exercise relaxes you, decreasing the appearance of desperation, and is among the leading cause of getting laid.  It wouldn't hurt matter to not be a fat ass either.

23.  Always try the hotel bar.
    Why do you think they call it a layover?

24.  Always look like you're having the best time.  Smile.
    You and your crew should be smiling, teasing each other, and laughing, clearly enjoying each other's company.  Obviously this scene is easiest to create when you actually are enjoying yourself, but if for some reason your regular crew was unavailable or you just have lame friends, you've got to fake it.  Grin, grin like an idiot, and do whatever you can to keep the conversation rolling.

25.  Always joke, and tell her one she'll actually laugh at.
    Women have a different sense of humor than men do.  Don't believe me?  Try this simple test:  Walk up to a female friend and ask, "Why didn't superman save JFK, Jr.?"
    "I don't know."
    "Because he's in a wheelchair!" you say through heartless guffaws.
    Now, did you notice that look she gave you?  The one that said that the only thing she's going to find funny is watching you burn in hell?  That's a direct result of your differing senses of humor.  No aficionado of the singles scene should be without a healthy store of jokes women will enjoy.  They may not contain violence, sex, or even flatulence, but if you use them right, they will prove the most effective.

Chick Joke #1
A guy goes to the grocery store.  He buy's eggs, milk, orange juice, and a package of bacon.  He puts his purchases on the belt and fishes around for his money.
    As the clerk is ringing them up, she comments, "Wow, you must be single."
    Finding nothing about his choices that would lead to this conclusion, the guy replies, " I am single-how did you know?"
    "Because you're ugly."

Chick Joke #2
The day after the wedding, a woman turns to her new husband and says, "You're really a lousy lover."  He looks at her and asks, "How can you tell after just 30 seconds?"

Chick Joke #3
Two men die and go to heaven.  "How'd it happen?" the first man asks the second.  "I froze to death," he replies.  "How about you?"
    "I had a heart attack.  I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I came home early and ran up to the bedroom.  She was alone, reading.  I ran downstairs, but no one was hiding there.  I sprinted to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
    The second man shakes his head.  "That's so ironic, "he says.  "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

26.  Never tell a woman another woman looks pretty. Never!

27.  Always use one word she doesn't know.
    The word fard means to apply makeup.  Wrinkle your nose and ask, "Did you fard?  You look lovely."  This will certainly throw her off.  Try to work chattel into it.  Chattel is movable pieces of personal property.  "Let's collect out chattel and go to a back table."
    Women hunger for knowledge.

28.  Always feed her drinks.
    But never feed yourself drinks.  After your third vodka and tonic, switch to club soda with a slice of lime.

29.  Always exploit a woman's competitive instinct.
    In any size group of women, two or more of them will hate each other.  Figure out which one your target despises and mock her gently ( use "hushed tones").  "Your friend Janice is a little snappy; maybe it's because she's not as pretty as you."

30.  Never lean out too far for a kiss.
    Your body should be right up close to hers so that all you have to do is turn your head and extend your face ever so slightly.  Your lips should be on hers before she has a chance to think.  If she has to watch your big head make the approach from an odd angle, she may bob and weave.

31.  Always touch her neck.
    The neck is not only a great place to break the touch barrier but a fantastic first-kiss location.  If she's looking away, there's no chance of rejection and you've neatly circumvented any stigma surrounding the first kiss.

32.  Always carry Pez. (Yes, just like Jerry Seinfeld).
    Pull it out casually and offer her a candy goiter.  The Pez dispenser is like a magic wand.

33.  Never give you friends high fives behind her back.
    She will recognize you as immature and deny you entry into the Golden Valley.

34.  Always play instrumentals.
    You never want to risk her hearing some lyric that gives her second thoughts.  One chorus of "Papa Don't Preach" and you'll be stuck with a hand job.  Korn's "Dead Bodies Everywhere" should also be limited to low rotation.

35.  Always talk about clothes.
    Compliment hers, which shows that you notice.  Mention that you've got to do some shopping yourself, which shows that even if she hates how you dress, she can change you.

36.  Always be the new face at the bar.
    You're a man.  What do you care if they see you as fresh meat?

37.  Always appease the Nottie.
    For every Hottie there exists a correspondingly unattractive Nottie who will do everything in her power to make sure her friends don't meet guys and ditch her.  The Nottie is a formidable enemy.  She will turn her back on your approach, she will shoot down your attempts at comedy, she will identify the most ridiculous aspect of your physical appearance and whisper a joke about it into the Hottie's ear.  In short, she will sabotage your rap without mercy.
    Like a volcano god, the Nottie must be appeased.  This is where your buddy comes in.  He must cast himself into the Nottie's noxious flames and bear the brunt of her foul and capricious ways.  He must return her cruel mockery with self deprecating humor, compliment her on her keen sense of fashion, and engage her in intellectual conversation.  If need be, he must sleep with her.  But that's what friends are for.

38.  Always ask her if she writes.
    All women imagine themselves to be creative souls.  She will answer either "yes" or "I've always wanted to, but..."

39.  Never go for what's behind door number three.
    If you've got a green light, don't look to trade up.  Take the sure bet.

40.  Do not use corny, vulgar, or stupid pick up lines.
    Here are some of the worst one's you could ever say to a woman.  So never do it.  Never.

Someone call heaven, because one of the angels has gotten loose and she's standing right in front of me.

Do you like chicken?  Suck this-it's really foul.

I'm a dentist.  You have great teeth.  Do you want to have my children?

If your right leg were Thanksgiving and your left were Christmas, I would meet you between the holidays.

I'm steel and you're my magnet.

Your eyes are like limpid pools of blue water in which I drown (to a brown eyed woman).

Are you from Tennessee?  Because you're the only 10 I see.

How much do you weigh?  I say about 125 but my friend says more.

Can I tie a jerk line from your navel ring?

The word for the day is legs...let's go spread the word.

Do fries go with that shake?

You want to meet for brunch?  Should I call you or nudge you?

I like peanut butter.  Wanna fuck?

I love every single bone in your body, especially mine.

Well, fuck me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Helga?

If you were a teardrop, I would not cry for fear of losing you.

If you were a booger I would pick you first.

Weren't you in the last Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue?

Do you ever just stand in front of the mirror and groan at how good you look.

(after beckoning the woman over with your finger)  Baby, if I can make you come with just my finger, imagine what I can do with my whole body.

Sweetheart, you make me want to get a job.

Your parents must be retarded. Because you're so special.
 

That's it guys.  Everything you could possibly need to know to get a woman to sleep with you.  Ladies, I apologies for not having any advise for you, but as far as I can tell, you don't need any.